may

in one video i heard two people (turtlewithahat) respond to one question about "why are you two together" smt like that and they respond "we just like to hang out with each other" it's sooooo basic but it's a good point that sometime i skip !! we played with cards today with iano (they loooove playing with cards, remind them their grandpa) and i don't enjoyed it (it fill me with competition (that's iano's take because he tried to understand) and things like that and i don't like to have this feeling) my anxiety don't allowed me to simply enjoy spending time with people ;; (i felt a tension with my firend at this time but everytime i felt that they say to me next day that it was not so a big deal)
didn't see envy today because our schedules were not alligned and it makes me a bit frustrated, i wish we hang out more, just see them time to time ! Saw my mum at the parc, she was very talky, emotiv and so clever. I enjoyed this long time with her outside. I spoke a lot and like how i argue, i speak well with her, i'm lucky :) Crossed Neptune in the city's nature !! They were so happy to see me hanwwww
I don't understand why people like me or want to hang out with me if they have other options (less anxious and funnier for exemple)
i think there is one thing that pop in my mind right now: i don't tell what i fully think and so i'm not really myself, i'm so untrue, i'm a faker for the confort of people who are not even there ??? mhhhhhh i think i'm a faker and hypocrite sometimes, need to work on that, tell your truth to feel why people love you FOR REAL
Wear a jort and like it, feeling like a butch héhé
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in chinese you say lala for lesbian i cry that was my dog's name it's so cuute
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i crossed two people of my school that i like but they are not close friends and all the peeps around me are neuroaqueerfuryweirdo ahahah so when people are normie now i choke and i'm like what???? you're not rumbling about this very niche fandom and how it awaked you to this deep feeling of misunderstanding or about how the fascism is about to devorate the city i don't know what to talk about lol i'm like "standing and smiling", i think i don't fit right in this case, but it was just after being vulnerable at the psychologist at the parc. Cut my hair a bit and make 2 braids, feeling cute.
My therapist rendez vous............ i don't know what i'm doing with that because it costs a LOT of money (40euro for 1hour, i understand why it costs this price and it's not overprice at all just i'm poor huhuhu) and a lot of time, i don't knowwwwwww if it's important to coninuuuuuuuuuuue but idk maybe i need it? i have this feeling of having "the need to be healed of something" and i think is my own queerphobia that talks ;_;
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i have an exam tomorrow why i have this recommandation need to watch

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Heyoooo my dear journal uwu
i'm not okey, having my periods and hormonal acnee like a teenager man at the same time ahahah but i'm okey 'cause i have fwiendzzzz and i love them but I NEED to pratic to say things like it's a urgggggeeee i'm making plans lol to practice on my own before. Have to work a lot for my master but everytime i pospose to the very end, it's sabotage at this point. I pratice romana and greek because i have friends who speak it and it's full me with a looooot of joy to speak in the lauguage of theirs hearts. "Kalimera" and "Buna Ziua" to y'all o/
Consubstentiel is an important word to feel
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I'm struggling with my code today a lot i'm sad
cisman are just pissing me off, hate how they talk, how they are, how they (don't) listen (or if they do, it's just at theirs avantages) hate how we have to educate them at every interaction. I hate that i rumble on them again and again after and can't go ahead. Need to traumatisize them and don't feel any pity
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went to the dyke march of my city and it was so cool !! happy to have my friends all around and they love me and i love them yipi
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https://youtu.be/uviC-YrbqoU?is=sRaBToCVawaX_Ell
https://ippotsk.bandcamp.com/album/seeyalater-stratocaster
I think the purpose of all theses pages of journaling is to not use them anymore at a moment, feeling safe enough with what i have in the tangible world to not have the necessity to speak to the void. it's 3am, it's raining and the sound is beautiful
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My relation with masturbation is quite good atm ! I like how i touch myself and with the hormones i have a big libido. Orgasm is not the same on testoterone and oestrogen, that's funny.
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Want to prepare "snail mail or letters" with my illustrations in it and make sort of subscription
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https://animego.net/19-the-summer-hikaru-died.html
AnimeKai is done ono :c AnimeGo seems good
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i'm thinking about shaving my hair (i realise that i just have an autistic crisis by don't know how to manage empathy and frustration, all the emotions)
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i think i don't put the same amount of importance to birthday (and explicity mine) that a lot of people, i think is very joyful to celebrate things but that a little to much for me when i'm the center of attention, explicialy by people i don't like; please stop now, i start to feel attacked by people again
it's like swords in my back while i'm obligate to stay silent, because they're nice by obligation i can't tell what i really think. Hate politesse c'est bon là
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Today i saw my brother, i want to cry, every interaction with my family is difficult to me. I know they make all efforts but i'm not feeling confortable to be the center of their attention. Yesterday was so hard also. Thanks to my chosen family to be there. Just by your existence i'm so grateful. I promise to myself and others that one day i will speak but mutism is such a confort zone for me, destroying my desire to live by gaslighting myself around people. Birthday is never a happy experience for me. Hope that one day i will be free from that feeling of sadness, it's a gloomy day and i smile at the grey sky with tears in my eyes
Need to focus on my exams and a bunch of drawings to make
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I think one of my biggest interest is finding out what hurts people (and drawing the same doodle every day)
i'm not a morning person sorry fwiend
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healing is not a reason for cultural appropriation. Understanding the need to escape is important and it can be a way to connect with others things, but it's a very interesting way to fight racism to think about that. "white culture" and the relation with healing is so fucked up, colonialisme mixed up with soft power give you the sensation of growing up with a lot of cuteness all around you while destruction is just nearby. Subculture is a big thing and it's not a reason to have a paternalist discussion with all ready marginalize peeps. Life can be fun but where we find joy is a political question.
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oyeay thankyou girli

I can't work. I caaaaaaaaaaaaaan't. Is it me or neocities change a bit? the buttons are more square?
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Hi May, i'm sorry that i didn't update here, i lost my charger lol how coding works actually?

that was not my style sowy i do it again, i lost everything ahahaha
okok here we go again, don't stress out Lou, it's just like a game, now add some drawings
maybe?
i'm addicted to my phone aaaaaah it freaks me out

heyo my name is Lou ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა if you want to contact me about anything you can at gloums@proton.me ♡