Saying my thoughts
Having a snail mail; focus on my "drawing career"
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
le mépris de classe passe aussi par le chantage affectif dans les relations, quelqu'un de plus riche va plus quémander affectivement j'ai l'impression au début puis va "se lasser du pauvre" puis refaire du chantage car il lui a donné quelque chose qu'il n'a pas (de l'argent) ça devient de la manipulation. Le contre-don (échange égale) est une invention des riches pour creuser les inégalités. i need to be careful about that when i feel a frustration. if the person is less or more rich than me, it can be an indication. because i can manipulate without realisation and thinking about that make sense even in my relations. i have expectations that i need to work on. racism, sexism, classism, religion, validism, think about them all and ask for having the clue to understand my irritations.
what make me think of that:
today someone ask us if we want a free apple, i say "yes yipi" with an other person. iano and scar beside me was laughing and refuse it but when there were some candy iano says "ça oui pas des pommes" and laugh again mockingly. i was feeling rejected and mock. feeling angry after on my way home. and then i understand. they "eat the rich" that i have in me. it makes sense. i was just egocentric. sometimes iano says very rude things to me but it's because i heard it in a rude way because of my rich sensibility, i need to be more clear and everything will be ok. you can be angry and say things in a rude way also, they're not in chrystal
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i think i will deep hole (idk if this expression is correct) THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS, alien stage (envy's focus atm and i want to understand when they speak about it and share their happiness), fnaf (because of sol and they doesn't feel good atm) and for myself undertale/deltarune (the community scaaaaaaares me sometimes ahaha but yeay)
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i was soooooooo bad these days now i'm up !!! i'm thinking about having my piercings back !!! tomorrow is pride hiiii
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
des gens aux identités en diy, viennent en école d'art faire du diy
i love to see the people, i love them and be part of them, they know me, i know their history, their taste, their voices, i think it's beautiful, i'm part of the world, of the flow of people. i want to smile, to cry and to laugh at the same time, i love us so much
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
the heat is going to kill us all
i am a mix of them all
these aesthetic miam my inner emo is happy
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i need a reset far from internet
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
j'aimerais bien écrire un album de rap
went to the exposition of master 2 and it was impressive but veryyyyy theorical. It's like an installation for illustrate theirs mémoires. Impressive but very minimalistic, a classist feeling. But i get it. Dasha did a very good work, and i saw a beautiful video of violence by c0ps. didn't write the name of the person who did it :c my belly is harting by all the stress i have in my relations. need to relax and breathe. Finished "survivre avec les loups" and i liked it so so so muchhhh. i'm so lucky that my mum is having a basement, the heat is killing people and the nature. i want to see the nature. i think i just want to be surronded by animal and plants as misha sometimes (but obviously not in a warzone)
i just want to dig queer raper
new thea sooooooong
"j'suis pas garçon manqué juste une meuf qui fait mieux qu'eux"
23/06 I spent the day with envy, i hope they're okay, i saw that the cut i did to them was not the one they wanted but i think i didn't understand oyo the image is very important for them so i hope they're not too sad or something i was only focus to the feeling of failure that's not cool for anyone, now relax, it's so hot in my room i x_x but lucky to not be on the street or in pris0n, it will pass for me, focus on the future. i was very tired and anxious but i did it yeay everything's fine. i really liked when they cutcut my hair, like the sound and the feeling that I am being cared for. I'm not the cause of other emotion, i need to repeat that to me. i do what i can and i handle things good, you're ok Lou, not perfect and there is so much things you can't do, you learn and you learn with others !!
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i really need to do some sport even if it's at the gym idk
slay je vous aime les lesbiennes
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
Just for relax my heart and be a better listener; i need to believe that there are some good fathers and need to trust people who said that to me. I also need to take the time to feel and accept that i loved once my father and everything was not all angryness even if i was scared and manipulated, i had some good times with him. And it's the same with previous relations with men. yes all men Lou but they are also human. i need to know how to manage the rage
and scrolling is not the solution ;;
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
https://youtu.be/VKKG1yir39Y?is=RWsZdCDkMeqHFXeB
i'm angry to everybody today, i can't communicate clearly my thoughts that's terrible, i just wanted to explain that it's important for me to know the artist before consuming their art, and i found that very weird that in a clip of a white man there are only black people with a super male gaze pov.I'm really triggerd when people give phylosophic argument for justify a situation. (like "its a metaphysic mouvement not only a man who do music"???? dude, that's horrific it's only a fcking man what kind of god complexe is that ?? a cis man with to much power if you want my honnest opinion. people from art school scares me a lot sometimes) I was to tired for that and say that i don't understand things who dosn't have sense. My friend, who was not in the discussion at first, said at this moment, that i collect useless things. I felt attack and just went outside. In the parc. Again. Now i'm in my bed, with my super hot pc on my laps. It's the hottest day of the year. I'm scared to become an avoidant, keeping my mouth shout by angriness without arguying, i will try my best to have the possibilities to debat. Emotions are valids, you can cry, scream, what ever. Say the things that matters to you. Even if you throat don't allowed you. After i just see Sol and Tracy doing their lifes in the salon and was relieve. I know that some people understand me. I'm not alone.
the guy is aphex twin and he said that "maybe i'm a little autistic" AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA you're just a fucking dude who use a disagnose that people gave you for legitimate the time you pass to your art avoiding the politic aspect and all the other minorities you are gaslighting. Being part of a minorities dosn't allowed you to be a jerk. I hate man
i think i need a break far away from here and all this intellectualisation of people who are just masturbate their ego in front of you.
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i just learned that one of the person i don't like is going to be in our class next year, i need to work on that shhhhh explaining boundaries and stuff again. i need to be clear with them but they don't listen and have a very masculinist vibe who triggers me
starting the amazing digital circus ??
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.˖.
the man who live just near to us has yeld to my roomates while they were in the kitchen, he's a homophobic n@zi, i'm preparing myself with all the law i know for tanking the confrontation if i have to .
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
when someone said something that upset me i can say "mange tes morts"; i can be impolite with agressor, want to beat them all
Mama et Tata (taté) pour papa et maman en roumain et mama diavolului comme insulte sympathique. iano said that "fratele miu" has a very christianic feeling aha the insults are very mysoginists
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
today i saw a looooooooot of people and it's so hot, i'm really living, speaking, passing from person to person, loving, debatting, saw my therapist and we say to take a break until september, i say to her that i have nothing to heal, i'm not a monster who can find a medecine to become normal, i can do it on my own now, be myself with others, just living
The hardest part when i was speaking to my therapist it was about anxious attachement and relation, because i was explaining my fear that my friend don't want to be near me anymore or start to unlove me, she indicated me a theorie for my "type of brain" and the fact that i don't know if person exist if i don't see them sort of, and so i think that people hate me if they don't say clearly that they like me. Asking for justification or reassurance is not the same. We talked about that. I don't want people to justify themself but sometime i need reassurance
My therapist is not my ennemy, she really helps me to understand how i can be more myself in a capitalist world who reject people like us, thanks a lot
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
I said to nv that my grandma was talking polish but it was yiddish from poland, i mixed up ;; i'm looking at some yiddish videos now and it's clearly that.... i'm not so sure, maybe it was a real mix, i need to ask her. When i speak other language i struggle a loooot with the "r" my french/belgian accent arg
17/06 did my t shot, everything went pretty good, it was my cleanest one !
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
oliwabiu artist reference
https://www.instagram.com/p/DNh_ktHuJ_o/?img_index=5
iano offered me a photo of a sleeping fox and i put it on the wall close to my sleepy head, that's tender
https://nomnomnami.itch.io/her-tears-were-my-light c'est zinziiiiin j'aime trop trop très ma vibe huhu
I PLAY A GAME NAME BUTTERFLY SOUP IT S A VISUAL NOVEL happy it's been a while since i played one happyhappy i need to do a part of Nin like this
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
I clearly said some of my boundaries to my mum today i'm proud (she was very open to listen to me even if she speaks more than me) and we decide to not see our commun therapist anymore. Next time i will say more about my trans identity i wish. I'm kinda happy with how everything goes, i wish that she is well surronded (i think not but she says that she likes to be alone) because i find that she's very openminded compares to people around her, ofc having a trans (and accept them now) and antifa child is something that open your mind buuuuuuuuuut you know i'm worried sometime that she's feeling rejected as i am just because she support me
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1Ti2USRh6_Ymc1n1lAbHVEJHfz05B7h9j3uTW8KBmFNg/edit?slide=id.g361b856c67e_0_102#slide=id.g361b856c67e_0_102 THATSINSANE
https://youtube.com/watch?v=BkptBDdgvlI&is=cxGyg7aFcB2auibs
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i'm so simple after all, just want to chill with my peeps and sip some tea, i think that we are going to escape in a more cheap location because it's 550 euros per month and it's huge for us, my little bro is stressed cause of money and i can pay for them but not for a long time. Maybe we can find a house near the city and build a farm or something, i think we could do that
i doomed scroll again ;; watching others living
I dreamed about writing letters aahaha i'm matrixed
Need to help mum, it's hard for me to be connected with the family, i hate one of her brother, and all the man near to us
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
bebouthea
this one is so hard
I saw a post about white people using their menthal issues for justify their racist or mysogin (etc) agression and it is so a clear in my head
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
today was good, i did it
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
i need someone to take my phone time to time because i just scroll on insta for info, friends, gay couples and animals i freezzzz my exams are not passing well i'm too anxious and i destroy my friendship, we had a big convo with a friend (for me, because i'm an anxious lil man with anxious attachement asfuckkkk) today on the morning and after aaaaah idk i'm not the center of univers Lou CALM DOWN and focus on your shit. a teacher said to me that i'm always angry today??????????? wtf man who are you, i try to regulate my stress for passing my exam why are you opening your month you don't even listen when my friend say that he has to go to his job and continue to talk to them while they're in a rush I HATE MAN i hate to explain myself i hate to engage myself in shit i can't do, wtf A WEBSITE OF AN ALTERNATIVE BRUXELLES CITY for who am i pretending to be? my scenography is horrible idk what i do im just doing the same every year
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
New cheapjewels soooooooong
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
I love my friend so much i want to cry, like it's burning me all in my belly, my throat and i'm shacking. Like a real desire of connection and i don't know how to deal with that ;; i hope that we are going to be friend forever but i don't want to opress them. My head is very hurting me rn so i think my emotions are all over the place
݁˖𓂃☘︎˖.
I forgot to change to another page idk what i'm going to do huhu i will change the aesthetic soon (une esthétique bien verte bien nature?).
I just started a challenge: to not going on instagram or youtube for a little time (i'm going to be sad lol without vlogs what's my life?) just to see because my memory efficiency is horrible and i want to understand this mad world and be more in the nature
Also, i decided to not apply all the advices of people i respect. Somethings are good for them but not for me, i neeeeeeeeeeed to learn to say "no" and my "copy mechanism for being accepted" is to much, really. you have a personnality and a story Lou. Write it, memorise it, remember what you did, with who, when and where, how you've been there. and also know who you are now, what you want to become, to know, to fight for. I want to socialise and be more spontanous, be aware of my limits and know them because god i'm not clear with myself at all. Don't try from people to understand by themself and speak, tell the freeeaaaaaking things. You have 28 years old of experience with speaking, i know that you can do it
♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬
Buna ziwa, pronounce bune ziua, molstumesc for thanks someone. Sunt Lou, i am Lou. or ma numesc Lou, imi pare bine 'mi pare bine Nice to meet you. iano is a very patient professor with me, i'm so lucky!! tadaruk is "as tu mal?" Fratele meu is "my brother" prieteni for "friend"
Nu = non
nv explained to me nicely how to talk in polish i have:
Dzien dobry pour hello "djien dobrè" ou Cześć
Dziekie pour merci "djiènki"
Do widzenia pour Au revoir
I want to learn so bad aaaaaaaall i think i will mix everything like deutch and english when i was younger huhu
Kalimera in greek from Rosa and i also know Irene who is an italian native, i should ask her !! i can practice english with my friends, idk why we don't do that
