was sick all night oyo no durum for loulou again

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
°update my bookshelf; i always forgot or just being lazy "s'engager en amitié" is a real banger for my brain
°watch myself in the mirror and don't know what to do with my face and hair; i need to cut them because they're a little damaged at the end and very thin. But maybe before cutting them i can dye them, for give it a try (the voices are always so loud when i'm face to a mirror)
° preparing next mounth page

Crossed Jill today and something attracted me, it's maybe just physical but it's there. Their universe is so yummy and color scheme feel like you watching the sky by telling dreams with your friends

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
want to try this haircut, art by RevyDeka the queen ofc i think i'm going to take her drawings as reference for a moment What if i stop watching youtube videos for 1 week? start now 30/01 (didn't respect at all huhu) Stop instagram too (i wish but can't)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
Enbian also known as non-binary loving non-binary (NBLNB)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
it's friday, tomorrow is saturday and i can chill, just have to call my ex proprio and a madam for eating stuffs. Need to do some special thematic art for the punk market because after it's the rush again. Need to check all the cpas papers also (so stressful but not now, the evening is for me and myself, just sleep after the exams chaos) when i put make up it seems that people are more distant (and guys start to watching me again like a steak) everything is going to be well :)) we did our little hairdie shopping, ate a durum after the exam. I was not very funny i think but they seems quite satisfy. Sometimes i feel that i'm not connected to the moment. The teachers said to me that we can't feel the connection in my drawings. Everytime. Lack of connection.
The good points: i manage the voids well and i have very good compositions. uwublushthankyu they like my pages!! and drawings

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
https://www.w3schools.com/html/html_images_imagemap.asp
have to build a trust of my skills
____
update my pro site !! (my eyes are burning oskour)
let my friends visiting my website is so so cool ! Suggestion of Sable: clickable map, suggestion of iano: let the clickable drawings not vectored

I'm so scared to "use" my friends as psychologist that i don't often talk to them about my life too long. Today iano ask me how i was and i said good, he ask me a second or third time and i said to them what happen with the slipknot sweatshirt. It's ok to tell. It was just a little moment but that was very intense for me. I really like when people i like speaking to me and tell me their lifes so why i can't do the same? I have quickly the feeling that is not so interessant. I am anxious and i feel very less stressed after sharing what bother me. I have to share a little more (with the right ton, it's better when it's the same feeling of the moment you are talking about). Now it's 1am, sleep Lou, you did well

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
https://sweetlolita.neocities.org/

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
Now we lockin studyhardtime on the web comicccc

Decided that is more healthy to go out, helping my friends
I'm with lovely iano who did his gyaru make up and Malo with lolita clothes, they re so awsome !!

I love my friends so much but today i just want to cry so i close the door of my closet for a little time

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
Pro tips : dress up yrself and go for a walk before working
i actually slept this night that's precious

i'm not special, i'm just a pretty soul in a system with social constructs. everything i like and how i manage my space is explaining by my roots and how i'm on the spectrum, on earth and time. my body is flesh bones skins organs with my parents's details attributes. It's not bad to not be special, we are all connected by socialisation and individualism tend to separate us with competition.
But there is magic. Art. And i'm an artist. Magician as in l'atelier des sorciers. Neptune is organising a happy retrouvaille ♡♡

Today is productive dayyy! Clean my room (now we can see the floor!! i'm litteraly living in a closet), my desk, drawings and writing my comics, tomorrow is Comic's exam ! Need to do my february site

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
Housework is a socially acceptable stimming for women

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
just found my old slipknot sweatshirt in one of my moving bag that i refused to open and now i'm in tears ahaha clothes bring so much souvenirs and feelings
i'm just a little emo after all
i remember that i named it "my lucky outfit" for every important day ~ was such a cutie
the fact that it was one of my agressor who gave it to me "me laisse un gout amer et encore plus de larmes"
_
There are people i want to connect, may i? How do i do? aaaaaaah
Feel pretty today, did a little make up and dress myself, Rosa said to me that i'm very good looking uwu she is so so creative with her looks everyday it's awesome, she is an inspiration !! All of my friends are so beautiful and handsome. Sometimes i think too much about stoping to be "alternative" but when i'm with them is so fun to talk about our clothes and accessories !! I have a job essay at a disquaire next week, hope my style is going to pass ! There is their archive on the web, i'm going to study it héhéhé i'm a poser for some kind of their music style sorry
Rosa invited me to a lesbian party on friday, i don't know if i'm going 'cause of exam snif

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
https://www.lolitahistory.com/gallery/

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
https://pixeldrain.com/l/3Z8GoUPW#item=0
the art goes hard
one wlw for the morning, one bl for the night

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

do what you can with what you already have, everything is going to be fine, you have all you need Plan for being less anxious :
Make whatyou have in mind for your project
it's ok to send mails and respon to people tomorrow
you know you can apologies and it's ok, you can be sick it's ok

Please i'm in a panik attack again, i swear i'm exhausted about my self being this immature about how to manage my feelings. Don't think that and make a list:
I'm stressed because i have other exams that i'm not ready.
I'm very scared to not be enough and waste the time of people i like
I just took a shot of t with a lot of people around me
There is 2 new persons in the house (they are very cute ofc it's just new)
New is ok Lou new is ok
I really want to escape, to erase my existence, it's so heavy and loud
But i won't because there is happiness, my loved ones and little things
i have this feeling about ever be adapted, accepted or can be normal

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
I just can be more gentle with myself
Maybe is that simple

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
https://anikai.to/watch/cosmic-princess-kaguya-xmw56#ep=1

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
did a another dream this night: there was Angèle the belgian singer in it wtf
send a cv
have to go absolutly out, selling shoes

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
sentences i can use: "i have so struggles with how you communicate, is it the same for you with me? Can I share with you what's bothering me?"

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
24.01 My room tend to become how i picture it, it seems to me that i am very slow but it's only been 24days that i'm here. Why am i becoming so in a hurry. I was such a procrastinator with my room before. Can i be like that with school please? I always end up finish it all at the very last second. Maybe it can be a goal. The hurry i have seem to bother my roommates i think but maybe i overthink. I can ask to them theirs feelings about that. The house is clearly becoming more "my" house with all my stuffs and furnitures. Have to talk about that in the next monthlymeeting. I feel like a invasive mum. That the feeling i have that one (more than the others) gave me. There is some mysoginy in the air (and the value of a housecare) or am i just to old for being aligned with them? Because i remember that at 22 i was not as stressed about the timeflying compare to now, i think. I'm not sure. 22 was not a good age oh god i was sidebyside with the death. Now i can feel the energy in my body or maybe is just the testosterone who is flowing ahah it's also so weird (or not) that i was feeling more intergrated in the society when i was on a bridge ready to jump that now.
my youtube fyp is priceless, we talk about cats and stalked the spa account today !!! My room is going to be pretty, you are a pretty boy Lou who can be nice and calm. you press yourself toomuch. We can be lighter all together.

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
i'm at erg and i love themmmm thank for being here fwiends even if we didn't crossed each others for weeks. Saturnia hugs meeee
Forget to take my drawings ahahahahahahahhaahdumb being hacked on facebook (hello 2012????) it was so stressfull my microsoft account is empty. Mia called me and now she speak to me about g, it's hard for me, don't want him to exist but i can't control that.
it's a very busy day, need to breathe, make lists:
do my papers (i don't have to pay for my school inscription yeaaaay precarity (i'm so so so stress relief)
Send everything to Caroline
Breathe

Tomorrow: make up at 8am, waiting for the policeman (domiciliation) after that go to place brugmann and AFTER i have a house moving
what a life

oh i wish i was a calm mind
did a panic attack these night, my nervous system is so fucked up, i tremble

I THINK i dream about one person about a hug, a very long hug and it was visibly calming. We were translucide, there was a blue liquid inside us who filled ur connected bodies. it was a very light connection, i don't even know if we really touched. it was just a dream

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
i want to say to friends that i love them but it's a little inapropriate right now so i'm gonna write letters (big brain)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
my friends love me, my friends love me, don't listen to your demons lou, everything's okay and not everything is going to fall apart. you don't need the validation of your family for everything; breath. i'm just a anxious little heart. i have the feeling that i'm too much to existe. just need to write, just need to write

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
to do : make my own hobonichi and travelling notebook thing with the elastic

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
"Becoming stronger to fight for our rights" feeling old and ITSOK I think i really feel like a housewife sometimes

i cleaned 3 hours that's not healthy and i want to do the bathroom too i said 1hour max per day ;=; there is so much

Sol favorite cereals are miel pops and tresor

to do list ☘
read
room cleaning
esprit de nin

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
Just to clear my mind:

So friday i will bring all the drawings i did for my comics to school to scan them because there is a good machine and i have to go there anyway for seing Caroline. I think tomorrow it will be a rush day yeay An other list :
I have to make the map (that's the main thing)
A good plan for chap 1 and 2
Background of each pages ?
Explain how to do it
I need to have a pocket agenda

Ok, To do list will saved me:
Make agenda DIT IT SIS yeay
Respond to your friends texts (you love them why is it so hard? write about it): i'm doing iiiit, it tookme less than 10 minutes and i waited for 2 weeks that's not cool
Make your websites
focuuuuuuus my main focus now is MY COMICS OK LOU YOUR COMICS

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
An other vent : my body is muttating by testosterone. I never have a lot of pimples but when i'm on testosterone is so horrible. My skin is becoming less soft and greassy. My voice is cracked. And i stink. I eat a looooot. The first time i was on it, i gained so much. I'm a bit scared but it's ok, everything it's ok. I'm so scared.
Need to take a shower, i can't organise myself. Everything is so overwelming.
I'm so scared to become like my dad oh gosh because he's like that; very controlling and can't stand other people that he can't have power on them. I don't want power, i just want to be happy with other nice people and be soft and strong at the same time.

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

Coming here to vent : I'm so full of stress because i have a new appointement for my social revenues and it's at 9am, i think i'm not be able to sleep, have an other this friday and one of a job recall me but i say no because it is a hard place to work with a lot of loud music and i stressed a lot on the phone and i don't know maybe i missed a opportunity. now i feel bad.
Also feel bad because one of my friend i think i can't be myself around because i have a tendacy to erase him by my knowledges who are very close to his, so i have to adjust and be more curious about how he got there or what he want to do with who he is. I'm scare about his jalousy or my jalousy, we have a lot of similarity but not in the same way. I'm more loud now so i need to be a little more distant and don't say my advices everytime. Because he's really not me. My jalousy is focused on: the beauty, the capacity of sleeping, the capacity of be able to live experience with others or be connected

The queer community is my family for sure but we have been through so much hard time, sometimes we are suffocating by our story

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

https://kuroiru.co/collections/27706
It makes me weird to look at anime where the characters are young like....... i'm old, i'm feeling like a pervert, or is it just me overthinking ? Nothing is wrong in the story, but the story between the creation and me is a bit strange. Maybe i'm not the good audience anymore? This feeling of "putting things behind because i'm an adult" is new to me so i continue to figure how to manage with it. I talked about that with my therapist and she said that i do nothing nasty so it's ok.
Sometimes i'm woried about beeing perceive as this creepy otaku man who likes anime little girl for not good reason. Maybe I should put aside my love for Sakura (never i grow up with her). Something childish you discovert as a kid allows you more to like it when you are older?

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

Liz and the bluebird was so good !! I really love how slow it was. The question of dependance in the relationship and how they talk to their others friends to understand each other. The music parts were beautifull and the animation is so smooth, yummy.

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

did severals panik attack today, need to chill
have to fight le cycle de la violence
l'art de la joie

update : was my periods yeay (19)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

want to add some calligraphy with my name on it because everyone is doing an amazing job ;; lock one hour in that and choose the better one (+ stop eating frenchfries Lou that not good for your belly)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎

Saw my therapist yesterday, she keeps repeat me how far i've come, it's great to feel seen. I have a lot to do, i'm just hiding in bedroom (the smell will never go, i just have to be used to it, i think is the house perfum)
i'm going insane need to go out

edit: i did 2 hours walk, crossed people i know, say hello to mum and sold shoes.
i said i will not update everyday and didn't respect it ono today was hard, the voices in my head are so loud and terrible, i'm so scared to become a monster and feeling so sorry to be alive

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

Thinking about having a flip phone again, my mental health is not good

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘

New Cavetown albuuuuuuuuuuuum (it doesn't have to be so hard)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘
I'm so sad that my eyes are litterally burning when i'm a bit to much on the computer ;;
(one of my big project is on it lol i'm dumb) did a pretty make up today and dying hair's friends cutcut

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎

https://stupied.neocities.org/outlinks/#literalhat

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎

There is a colleration between acidity in the body and stress, not everything is about the diet or personnal responsability. Be surronded by old women is super cool but they are very self destructive and a lot of compliments are about beauty. My grand ma is proud of me because i stoped smoking and she said that's important to keep "un capital beauté". Her friend said me that is a big luck that i have small feet because it's gracile. I'm pissed by ped0phile beauty constructs. I can't take compliments like that, they are like small agressions. It was so nice of course but i had to vent about this details who take a lot of place. Love her so much but i know that i can't discuss about everything (and it's nice to not be in judgement everytime and i know that we have to resituate everything, she's very ok and it's a privilege to have a well being grand ma)
I feel that there is a background thought that i'm lucky to be tolerate (as a trans person for example). But tolerance can be rejection.
I'm very lucky to have her and i know that she's safe and in a good place. I'm going to visite her more and more, she asked me. And i will!

Elder are very in that :
Amatonormativité
C’est l’injonction, la norme systémique selon laquelle il serait préférable d’être dans une relation romantique où il est considéré que c’est un but en soi. From LeyCab

https://everydayfeminism.com/2013/04/not-giving-a-shit/
I have to say "je m'en fous" but sometime that's hard to not sound impolite

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁

Website i found cool! :
https://jdan.github.io/98.css/#intro
https://angs-corner.nekoweb.org/
https://sheep.nekoweb.org/index.html
https://exclave.city/# REFERENCE for the mappp

https://www.greyismanga.com/
https://jargoncombatif.be/index.php

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁

We are the 7th !!! I did nothing on my computer unless write for my school essays (that's take a lot of time) and my website is not growing very much (it's really like a blooming flower but never really died, just stagnation) my plants irl are not very happy about the moving out and in :c
I went to the doctors and the dentist, i think is a very good start for a new year. I want to dress myself better, want to found a style that fits me and good balance, serenity and pratice my art and writings.
My friends are around me but sometimes i don't feel a good connection, it's not them or i, just my brain is somewhere else and i just want to be very anchor so i make big effort to see everything. Feel everything at the time. I have to make selection for my sanity.

My exams don't go very well. It's like i can't accord them the time it takes.

Feel that i overshare about subject that the person didn't want to hear about (as video games)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁˖

I think this mounth i will make just sort of updates but not daily, like every ten days? Focus on other parts of the website. Just to see how it goes :))

.𖥔 ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁˖

Heyooo 2026
Happy New Year !! I hope a better world with no more faf and an happy sleepy year to all of my friends and myself !!!