Happy things:
Did a market once again!
Update my main site
Sol said that they loves me uwu
iano speaking to me about random things in their life and i'm so excited about
People wants to collaborate with me

today i eat some cake with weed in it and i really like how i feel it's been 6 hours, it's like my anger is not away but just a little less loud and i am less stressed about my body. i think that i overthink less and i offer to me to rest

meadow put some cavetown.s music in her video and now she.s with her friends and her girlfrieeeeend, proudly showing her lesbian couple, i'm so happy for her

je n'arrive pas à ne pas culpabiliser quand je suis fatigué.e

Je ne comprends pas pourquoi mon ami.e m'aime, j'ai juste l'impression qu'iel a pitié de moi. ahahahahaahah c'est dit. voilà. iel fait tout pour me faire croire qu'iel m'aime, y a cette voix dans ma tête qui me répète ça et c'est jamais assez pour moi. Comme si j'en demandais encore alors qu'iel me donne déjà beaucoup et que je ne comprends pas pourquoi moi. J'ai à peine dormi, on est toustes éclaté.e, on a oublié un gros travail écrit pour demain. Force à nous. iano a fait un dessin de nous deux et ça me donne envie de mourir de culpabilité. j'ai envie de lui dire que je comprends pas pourquoi mais j'ai pas envie de le faire se justifier. En ce moment j'ai envie de tuer tout le monde et j'ai envie d'écrire sur tous les murs à quel point je hais les hommes et le matinialisme. Que c'est leur faute si mon relationnel est aussi fucked up, que ma confiance en moi et les autres est aussi fragile. Je les hais. J'en ai marre d'avoir envie d'être rassurée h24. Dans le besoin de reconnaissance permanente et la clarté de chacun des faits et gestes. Parce que c'est sûr que c'est un piège pour me faire du mal en fin de compte, mon esprit est toujours en hyper vigilance. On m'a rendu complètement parano aha j'dois aussi appendre à dire non à la bouffe. C'est dur. Dire non. Des genstes y en a pleins alors pourquoi j'ai cette dépendance viscérale à quelques humain.e.s. Je comprends tellement, j'ai lu la théorie de tous mes mécanismes psychiques et comportementaux. Je suis en thérapie depuis mes 8 piges et je n'arrive toujours pas à lacher prise. Et j'pense même que c'est ça un des soucis de mon anxiété, je me sûr-analyse depuis tellement longtemps (et on m'analyse aussi) que j'arrive pas à ne pas le faire tant c'est dans mes tripes et conditionnements aaaaaaaaaaaaah être chill. dire les choses. écouter la réponse, en discuter. dire son analyse. dire non sans culpabiliser. partir quant tu es trop fatigué.e.tranquille et détente. respire

Note importante en français: Aujourd'hui le 22 avril 2026 j'étais très très angoisée. J'ai eu une grande montée d'anxiété ce matin car j'ai cru perdre mon ordinateur (qui, le soir venu, s'est révélé avoir simplement glissé entre mon lit et le mur) mais pas que: au soleil mes collocataires rigolaient sur la terrace. Aucun mal, je suis même content.e pour elleux. Vraiment ? Je ne sais pas en fait. Sur le moment je pense que je ressens quelque chose d'égoiste qui me ronge et je n'arrive pas à faire parti.e de cette joie. Je me cache. Je ne pense pas y être invité.e, "je gacherais tout" je me dis (car je suis angoissé.e et je donc je plomberais l'ambiance. Et est-ce que j'ai vraiment envie de parler enfait, je me pose mille questions sur cette interaction quotidienne matinale). Pendant 1h ou 2 je fais une crise de panique. Je fais à manger en évitant de faire du bruit ou d'interragir avec elleux. 2 de ces personnes sont mes ami.e.s (bien que je ne sois pas si à l'aise en réalité avec elleux), une personne que je connais moins. Ami.e d'ami. Et je m'énerve seul.e, je me déteste, je me dis que je n'arrive à rien socialement. Je croise mon ami.e qui me demande deux fois si j'ai besoin de quelque chose en me disant que je lea regarde bizarrement et que si j'ai besoin je peux lui envoyer un message. Je lui envoie un message après en m'excusant du regard et que c'est juste que je suis stressé.e pour mon ordi. (en réalité je pensais qu'iel ne m'aimait plus) J'arrive à l'école et je cherche mon ordi partout car je pensais l'avoir oubié là bas (c'est la première chose que je demande aux professeurs en arrivant d'ailleurs). Je sais que je suis bizarre. Je me sens extrèmement inadéquat.e et lourd.e. Le fait qu'on soit si peu à l'aise avec la dépendance aux autres m'énerve. Je ne suis pas autonome alors ça me rend enfantin.e. J'avais envie de me mettre dans les toilettes. Criser. Mourir. Comme j'ai envlevé mes piercings les gens me regardent moins bizarre dans la rue alors c'est déjà mieux. Plus supportable au quotidien. J'ai croisé des gens que j'aime. Mon ami.e est arrivé ensuite aussi puis une autre. Et alors ça va mieux. Ce que j'aurais pû faire dés le début: Oui je peux aller au soleil avec les autres et dire ce qui se passe dans ma vie. J'arrive à me plaindre sans faire de mes problèmes ceux des autres et même si c'est le cas on le partage car on est ensemble et on s'aime. C'est ça l'amour. Voilà. Après on a été dans l'herbe et encore cette fois j'arrivais pas à me calmer. Mon esprit me répète en boucle "tu es bizarre tu es bizarre" ou alors que je dois absolument protéger mes ami.e.s des autres et de moi-même. Je me dis que je suis dure à vivre. Mon ventre me brule vraiment tr-s fort et j'ai beaucoup de travail/ les jours de stress arrivent

I lost my computer :ccc i hope that i'm going to find it very quickly (update: yeay all the stress but it was just near my bed), my room is a mess as i am, i just want to cry and scream, laughing for anything or just be emotionnaly huge......... today was such a dark sasuke vibe Aaaaaaaaah i want to write about that, i'm thinking to switch my diaries to french because i can't find my words. I have the impression that everybody hate me very quickly and i can't just celebrate the others joy :c feeling like a very bad person all the time and became a sobbing guy who is just non verbal and sad and angry
But now that iano is there i'm better i'm so stressed to be dependant

I'm so proud of myself for putting all of that together!!!!!!!!!!!!
this week is killing me with all the deadlines but i'm there and my work means something !! I just need to know how to speak about it well because i barely can lol
Saw some people i like, talk a lot to Laia who is so cool !!!!! Saw Yona and she wants to make our birthday together 'cause it's the same day and i think it's a cute idea. My socialisation was good today. Talking to people is so great yipyip ! I was not welcoming with Vinai and Jane but i was oversaturated and i needed to work a lot. I figure it out and i think i know where it's going. Did some bike to !! My belly hurts :c a very good advice to myself is that i don't need to be 100% there to be there yeay good night you did well, you can rest now, sweet dreams

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuXd2iSHdu4 have to take a look, irene tell me to
oklou now let's make one page by influence you have, you're going to love making that. first one! the obvious Katsuya Terada i like how that turns out!! next it will be shichigoro !! i want to do everything now hiiii but i have a irl life and must take time to sleep !!

i'm thinking a lot about AROACE orientation and where i'm in the spectrum etc etc etc and i don't know if i am really or just aromantic (maybe?? because i feel sexual attraction but don't want to and I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE VERY MUCH OWO) or just very traumatised by romance and can't see what's love and what's torture aha saw my therapist and she's really help me with that hanw orientation can be fluid time to time she said and it makes me very less anxious about that. Like now i know that i'm "in love" and "want sex". Like if it's happen (i would be VERY COMPLICATED I KNOW sowyyy) i could be like "ok let's try"

did i give a try to k on even is it was writen by a man? never watch it but really like some gif i saw. The beginning give me sakura card captor vibzzzz hanw update: first episode was coool wish i watched it when i was younger !! i was a huge fan of BECK, it was very problematic oyo 16.04 periods are killing me rn becoming a louve garou as a person i know writing about, i want to go in a field and scream aha instead i'm in my bed crying and doomscrolling on ytb. update: the day went so well, i'm so in love with my life dear internet thank the univers to bring all this amazing person around me

15.04 i'm very sick ono little ghost in the sunny town, canceled happy plan with friends because blurp but have to see my promoteurice. Read ByebyeBinary. Very heartwarmed book for non binary people and feminists

Today i spend my time with iano after i worked very well with communication and volunteering (i wish i could do more of it because it alowed me to train my socialisation and how to react in a way i want to presenting myself, it is not to study others like i use to do a lot but to practice with them). Did my t shot in my room alone and it went very well ! I hope i will look like a boy for this summer !!
So, we went to a very cool shop with a lot of Eastern countries snacks, aftr all the testing (seafood, halva, pickles, very good yummy icecream, ...) we went to the parc with severals books and it was so so good, we said hello to the world and people we knew. It was just like vacation, living the life of being a happy person with my friend. i'm so lucky to be part of the world with them by myside
I hear people laughing at the first floor while i'm in my room, i'm not a chatty person when there is too much in one time (and not everyone is my friend so it makes me insecure) that's part of the life too ! I'm a very picky person i observe more and more, i choose the ones i want to investigate time with because i believe in them and love them. I want to be influenced by their energy and way of living (for example iano is less attached to object than me but they still are a loving object person in a free way, they offer me a rock who look like me hanw, put it in my pocket)

it's the 13th of the mounth, it's 2am. i can't sleep. it's almost 3am. i put off all my piercings. they've been on me for years and years, some from when i was 15years old on my mouth. don't want to be seen. i don't want to attract attention. and never wanted. We need to take place i know but that's it. They didn't won anything on me, i just want to be a sneaky anarchist. Punk is in me not on my face anymore. I don't want to be a target, the least i can be and i'm very privilegied. Thinking also a lot about cybertribal and how all the internet culture legitimate white supremacy reapropriation. I will don't judge anyone who try, neveeeer i understand you so so so much and you are already a marginalise peep my alt friend. NO PERSONNAL CULPABILITY and some body modification are permanent and that's the point. My opinion relave on my white european looking body. I'm a very critic person to myself and others. Analyse a lot. i'm just to aware on that now to act like i was with all this piercings on my face. that's all. I'm sad, i love subculture and this community but i understand how that's a tactic to be violent in a way i don't want to. The world is not ready yet for us. My fangs were a big part of me and my journey of self acceptation. I'm still a furry. Pinky promise!!
Also, i'm a child of two parents who have university diplomas, was born in the country i live in from Belgian parents and a rich dad. (i hate rich people from the bottom of my heart. If you're not and you imagine how is it the conversation/acting of white rich people in the privacy when no one is looking, you have an image? it's worse) I don't have a linear life of financial good economy, i'm poor now and being trans is a very target minority, i've been rejected several time as a queer and subculture was a new family (sob). Mangas was a big refuge for me. But hey, it will be ok. Always in my heart. But i can be critic of how i save me once. I saved myself this time from being a bigger target and from my own selfcritics. And maybe i will return because it's too hard to look like a corporate like i once did aha ok now i'll go return to cry to my past swag and stop justify myself

ok lou, time to send your texts to some editor. no stress. at. all. Friends and teachers are by myside

Talking is the hardest art form I've ever experienced

Being a weeb'nerd dike/mysandrist is really a thing that a very little part of people understand
ok today lock in 1 hour into nin part. There is a very cool person next to me (i think is the person who tag dike with cafe but i'm not sure at all, she/they is a star into my heart) and it full me with a lot of power. Today was a not good beginning (i switch dates and woke up in stress at 9am but it was not the good time line, arghhh). My eyes are cracking and i look like a bandeur de pauvre while i'm litteraly poor but born rich. Who you born doesn't determine who you are but please never forget it Talk Lou, talk, talk talk, tell your truth. Angryness can be so gentle. If you care, every emotions is valid.
Not caring is a privilege, not a posture. Can we stop legitimate "don't give a damn" ? It's so violent. If you don't give a fck at all about a subject it's just that you are able to not thinking about it. Care. Care about things. You are so full of love because you care about others. About how they are treated. That's humanity. People who laugh and judge about others conditions makes me feel so bad. Want to cry.

Ok, i record myself on my computer camera just to see how i look. Hear my voice. Train it. Because everythings change very quickly. It's ok. I'm a little overwhelmed. I forgot who i am every ten minutes ahahahahadbehzfvj it's so weird how i look at myself. My relation with myself is so conflectual, i have enough. Need to take a big breath. It was just an exercice. It's important for my transition. Just a training.

Go out to a free wall to train and there were guys who also paint near to me. When i quit they instantly went watch my work and i see them took some photos. I was very honored. It was soooo cute. Hihi human can be so sweat and goofy
Next i will go longer

that's just so beautiful and inspiring for my lil comic
i want to do a shrine about this aha I want to go on a solo biking trip and bro take the train and i will join them severals days after they will arrive. Idc the destination, they will be it

Very hard take to speaking about but i feel it: Being critic about French people is not racism is a French's supremacy's denonciation in the francophone community as a minority (Belgian,Switzerland, ...) because aaaaaaaaaarg what a social domination we are feeling when they're close to us (is like speaking to cis man or very judgemental people)

i'm felling so not socially appropriate that's so hard and obvious and a little funny but i feel that i'm not good sometimes. I'm just so exhausted about anything that happen

Hello April ! I will not speaking a lot here ! Try to update my main site for trying to be more visibly active !! Some people at the market said to me that i'm a star oyo stars are richs but i'm not, give me money

i try to say to people when i don't like them, it's sooooo hard

Current works:
For the 10.06 aux editionstrouble et censoredmagazine : ici L'esprit de Nin THE BIG ONE
Drawings for Lorem Ipsum (workshop at Ass Book Fair omg live painting? need to make a page)
microfiction autour de la nature pour le 22 avril à 23h59 à microfictions@lesothers.com 300 mots maximum

Code ressources:
https://library-of-cornerstones.neocities.org/whateverthisis/sliding-pages
https://repth.neocities.org/theme
https://patorjk.com/software/taag/
https://www.createblog.com/
Other cool neocitizens:

cool articles:
https://strawberryreverie.neocities.org/friendship