march

Went to carnaval sauvage it was soooooo goood !! Very inspiring. It makes me want to create ! Did the portes ouvertes also what a day, saw a lot of people :)) But exhausted, i'm tired but injoy, tomorrow is cavetown concert and grandma birthayyyyyy yipiyip. Continue to tell my truth and keep my side. When i tell something i have to believe it and in myself. It was so fun with my little adelphe hanw. i think we are happy together. I have the fear of dependance :c I question my existence every step ahahah i don't know how to connect to new people oyo i have to calm myself, want my hair red again maybe
Social media are not good for me
=
I AM A DYKE. Not a man, maybe a trans guyyyy but i'm still a women in some point. I'm just a non binary DYKE
=
reunion de colloc< exhausted. said the things but everything was a chaos when they come through my mouth. I didn't know what was the beginning of my sentence. But i said it. I said it. Everything is fine.
=
"you look majectic"someone said to me today and i was very pleased. there was a moment of mindfulness, i felt it. it was good. it was when i was helping people. with art all around me. art is my confort zone. i am questionning a lot my punk style. my age. the bourgoisie side of my life. i made a zine today. one zine a day help your mentalhealth
=
i'm now direct !!!! and it's good, said what matters to me. do what i have to do directly. now i need to go to accrochage. shower myself first. i'm very sensitive to my own smell lately aaarrrg

saw my therapist and it was good, she said that maybe when i think that i'm too direct is maybe i'm just honest
=
try to not put my glasses znd it was a terrible idea never again i'm dumb

Maybe trying to not wearing glasses during one month for experementing ? idk i return to be very supperficial aaaaaaaaah i'm scared idk what is happening to me need to close internet and sleep
═══════
just a little tribute because i will be bold in a few month. I think about stoping testosterone just for that
I think i need a new cut, i don't like how i look. But i dont know what i want and what suit me. And i need a reaaaaaaaal close look in my wardrobe because i don't wear 50 pourcent of it and it's just accumulation of souvenir. And i don't have the space.
═══════
https://voyager.neocities.org/ OMG
18.03 today i'm not in the reality, just want to cry and be hold< But i did all my responsabilities. Clean a little bit my room, it makes me satisfy of myself
═══════
i don't know who i am right now. Need to relax and sleep i guess. It was intense. I think i don't know how to act every minutes of my life and finish to break down by overthinking it.
═══════
In summer, when i have a ALL DAY OFF and i don't know what to do (it really never happen but maybe) i REALLY want to take the time to modded my 3DS Went to a huuuuuuuuuuge atelier d'artistes, the place is so nice, i wanted to explore everywhere !!!! The experience was nice and i am very very grateful to have my friend with me who loves me (we had a huge discussion and they are very cute with me hanw thank you a lot, i'm so so so so lucky)
═══════
Read sentimental kiss and it talks about aroace hanw now take a shower and read vandalism queer, focus on politique d'exposition
═══════
Having a quotes page would be so cool !!
https://musictelevision.neocities.org/quotes
═══════
maybe i have a side quest to watch all the queer movies of ytb

They're the same actress from the clip Mind Reader!!! (Izzy and Emma)

this one too (i'm so gay)

and this one !!!!!!
ok this morning is a tribute to my little self who start to watch gay couple and giggling (i'm still little)

═══════
ya tebya lyublyuuuuu
═══════
didn't sleep well at all. When i see big bro i'm not good during few days, is not about him but all the context and so and so
═══════

═══════
we started to learn russian with little bro friend so; "priviet" is my first word
═══════
need to clean all my closet and sleep but ohnoooo purplequeenykings posted
═══════
I like that in my comics all my friends are in. So I make them meet. There is 2 stars; Malo and Neptune. And i think their story is so cute. identify to "star" is an autodetermination. Lou ask to Malo what sound make a star falling in a puddle of water. he said pfiuuuplikplikplik and they laugh, seeing exactly what the other is talking about
═══════
See my brother today. He saw our father. He nailed it. Repeat to him "we don't do that to kids" with a lot of calm, making him repeat it after him. My brother had a lot of hopes i think. I don't. I don't want this guy at any time in my life. he has taken my childhood, my teen age life and part of my adult life, my memory, my respect to myself, my confidence, my trueself, my mother life, he will not take any more. Don't have empathy for the ones who killed you.
═══════
I thought a lot about my comic today but didn't had the time to work on it. Service soial, budget pour l'année prochaine. Défraillement pour les membres du ce qui s'investissent dans la tresorerie et l'administration. J'essaye de les défendre sans qu'iels ne soient trop nommer comme "membre du ce". Ne pas hierarchiser les élèves tout en restant le plus claire et transparent possible. Humaniser pour ne pas créer des cibles. Etre une cible c'est être l'objet de l'autre. Les autres nous objectifient pour reprendre le controle. Donc éviter de répéter "CE, CE, CE" à tout bout de champs. Nommer les individus. I really like to be part of the social organisation. It's really exhausting but i think is really important. There is ONLY women who are investated there, and this point scare me. Man don't see why care of people is so important. They don't understand anything about love and community.
═══════
My friend is very scared about war and we talked a lot about that, i hope it's going to be ok. I love them so much, we are going to prepare this possibility together. Our contry is associate with israel.
═══════
The artistic group with cool people send me a message for my drawings and be part. It was not a dream. feeling lucky. like a reward. i will wait i'm a little dizzy and i'm scared
═══════
mon lit est fait. j'ai bien travaillé. on m'a félicité. Je suis parfaite
doucement la lame sur la peau. quelques traits. mignons. ça picote. je suscote, m'embrasse goulument. d'un coup je suis très ancrée dans le réel, comme par magie.
Tu vois, je m'aime assez pour la terre entière.
═══════
just for a few antifa there were 3 auto pompes, 5 police cars, dogs and military equipment. just for defend a fascist. this contry is sick, it was unbelievable, like a really bad joke.

═══════
teach me the ephemere of things

═══════
books to read: "The Ethical Slut" and "Love and freedom". I think it could be good. When i read books about love, poly and queerness. I have the sensation of gaslighting myself or just be interrested of what i already know. And don't do my decolonisation job for example, or politic knowledges, or idk drawing?? But is important for my sanity. Need to know how to communicate injustice without angryness. It's hard because i'm revolted all the time. Have to call Gaga. And Mat. My precious friends. I can be a good one. Gaga don't know about transition. Need to tell her. Remember how queerphobe she was with me when we've been teenagers and racist with my friends. So it's hard time for me to reconnected with her but i'm a believer and i know its the past. We can speak about that i will see how we manage to discuss about these subjects. It's my job to educate white peeps and i'm not a saint.

go lou clean your room with this songs and after will go clean others for money
surround me with lesbians and queer peeps, everywhere. I hate being lesbian trans and i'm so proud of it in a way. But it's so hard. It's so hard. already exhausted it's 10am ahaha i'm angry, sad and very happy at the time constantly ndjzkfk we are criminalised and ice can shoot at us legally. Borderline is a misoginist and racist diag, we are targets, how do you believe we can be sane?? "les introverti.e.s baisent le monde"
life is strange vibe
pitchouuuunes
hanw like we used to do
Today (15.03) was so good, i'm so lucky. mam is so funny and we laughed a lot. need to focus on drawing but was too tired after little jobs. it went well. Return to it tomorrow. Skip the rassemblement unfortunately. I disinstalled instagram. Just a little break because my mind is so easly absorbed and it's so heavy al this quick informations. i'm an ipad kid aha saw a lot of heavy tattooed people. Was nice, so inspiring. T makes me do pimples arg but i feel nice. Put a lot of jewelry. i choose to be very natural now. Say what i want. Do what i want (with kindness). I want to be myself again. Thanks to everybody who accept me how i am

VERY GOOD NEW AAAAAH a person at the market bought me a picture from my comic aaaaahhh
═══════
aller dans le sens de l'autre par peur du rejet. Need to approve that
disconnect my rambling here to be in the reality. and i don't know why i'm doing that. every day looks a little bit to much like a dream lately and it's kinda scary. Did markets and it's fine, i'm with my closed ones and i feel well surrounded. I don't have a lot of enery for including more people and i feel sorry for that. New relations make me feel incomfortable and stressed. hate man also, very much as ever. hate people who don't fight their privileges because that makes them incomfortable. Love punk rock emo. Everyone was so beautifull yesterday (emo night), and it was magic. "lovemetender" is a gem. I'm so lucky to be part of this underground culture. but oh it will be better without man. A very cool group propose me to join them, i was shocked and very embarrassed, happy. but i feel a lot of mysoginist tendencies from some of the artists in there. "fuck boy" vibes, ""deep artists"". I know 3 cool queer people from this group and i will invistigate. Talk with my friend (oh dear how this guy is clever) about mangas. I love them so much. And i feel that is reciproque and it's so good
i feel jalousy pattern from me and i have to think about that, it's ok if my friends start to date together. But i feel rejected. And that a ok feeling. There is something burning inside of me. Need to talk about that to my therapist. it will be ok if they start flirting i do care but it's not my life. Can focus of a multiple other things. I feel like i'm out of the "loveling game". Today is job day, go make money
═══════
https://gloomythoughts.neocities.org/testanim did a test !!!!!!!!!!!! spoke about friendships and responsabilities from the viewer (it's for a project) Prends le visiteur en le responsabilisant du lien qui nous unie maintenant, est-ce un réel choix? S'en rend iel compte? Est-ce que je peux lui faire confiance?
Tisane camomille pêche (taste a bit like soap)
═══════

ok now i feel horny, hormones or just i want??? maybe i can pay for? Or do a trade? Maybe just touchy affection? i don't know. make a list.
I want to try: everything? Idk tomorrow it will be gone i hope because i don't have sexual partner and i don't have money/ i don't like to touch myself update: it's gone, it's the t shot
═══════
i can do tatoooooooooo yes i can and it's ok i can it's ok it can be mine, i wanted to become a tatoo artist and now maybe it will arrive. Because of my friends, my very loved ones. today (11/03) was good. At the begin very dissociated but little by little i was rebecoming myself and at the end just tired. Big discussion. And it was good yummy. Now i have to deal with some person. Tell the truth. "Les pieds dans le plat". Racism is not allowed. people wants my drawings as tatooooooo hiiiiiii

j'ai envie de tout casser j'pense j'vais arreter la t ca me rend hyper irritable, bruyant, envahissant, j'ai envie de tout savoir tout connaitre je respecte plus l'intimite ou alors juste j'essaye quelque chose de nouveau. j'suis jaloux, j'suis jaloux mais de quoi? j'essaye je promets j'essaye je comprends rien et trop. j'ai dit un truc mechant j'suis tellement désolé. je sais mas si j'arrete, j'me sens bien et mal à la fois, j'perds mes cheveux j'vais devenir chauve. c'est ok j'ai pas besoin de cheveux. c'est superficiel. c'est superficiel lou tu es superficiel.le Mes amiexs me détestent ou c'est moi j'les déteste. On s'parle mal d'un coup, j'suis hyper spontanné. J'comprends pas l'amitié. j'comprends rien à l'amour. j'suis désolée d'être nulle comme ça. C'est ok de pas aimer, c'est ok de pas s'aimer tout entier
update: mon ami m'a envoyé un réel et des messages mimis= iel m'aime toujours.
Quand on est très proches ça arrive. On est plus direct parce qu'on fait confiance à l'autre. Respire Lou, tu peux faire confiance. Tu peux te faire confiance aussi. C'était des blagues avec un sous titre taquin. On est pas méchant.e.s, on se fait des blagues. on s'aime tout va bien
je dramatise tout mais je suis si seul.e sans elleux alors j'pense j'développe une relation de dépendance qui me rend "trop" gentille, j'ai peur de les perdre alors j'ose pas être rocailleuxse. j'en ai déjà parlé à une amie en lui expliquant qu'on est tellement précieuxses les un.e.s pour les autres qu'on marche en permanence sur des oeufs. Je suis le roi de l'embaumement
j'parle français d'un coup c'est pas mal en fait, j'écris si vite, 'j'peux faire des pavés tranquille personne me juge ici. j'ai tellement peur d'être trans. C'est si solitaire comme vie. j'me pose mille questions en permanence. J'ai envie d'en poser mille aux autres. Tout le temps. J'veux vous écouter, j'veux vous entendre j'ai tellement envie qu'on discute à coeur ouvert de tout sans se demander si on va trop loin, si on parle des mauvais sujets, si c'est trop intime ou si c'est trop trop trop trop. Et en même temps j'pense à tout le reste. Tout le reste.
j'apprends c'est tout, c'est nouveau. C'est nouveau tout ça pour moi, c'est normal si j'ai peur. Le temps apaise. Le temps m'apprendra. Et j'ai le droit à l'erreur aussi. Tout va bien
═══════
listening to slipknot and i still know all the lyrics of a lot of songs ahahah. I hate this group but I can't forget how they made me feel.
═══════
school wifi sucks oyo ;; I tell big facts today so i'm tired. i have to build social cardio. Consiel social. Live painting. compliments, help each others. Not going to share here, i'm going to tell in my writing journals. Sharing. A teacher said to me to send him a letter with my drawings. and i think it was a packing order. I think. Apo said "coucou" with a very cute pose to me haaaaaaaaaaanw
═══════
Thanks my friends for being there by my side, i'm dependant of you all and it's a bless to be part of your lives
"j'ai le droit de choisir d'être vulnérable plutôt que d'être seul et malheureux"
═══════

═══════
https://jokki.neocities.org/Loneliness
i must write all of that in french for my wrinting projects i don't know what i do but i have the feeling that translate everything in english before help me to explain difficult things in simple words. I could choose an other language maybe ?
i was very anxious didn't move since came back home, now i'm better i think i can do a little step by little step
═══════
Today someone was empathic with me and i didn't know how to react. It was an evidence. Sometimes evidence are very boring to me. Like "yes that's obvious" but at the same time i think is good. Point evidence can make things go deeper because some doesn't see the same evidence as you. For me, little details are evidence for others and vice versa. It's also an evidence who can be perceive as small talk but it means "i trust you even if i don't understand everything". I think is very powerful. The person said to me that i talked very well and point things that they didn't think about, so it was a compliment. I was just "in my confort zone" i said. I avoid compliments like bullets (but i'm craving also to have them), i don't like when people said to me that i'm clever (but that's also the best compliment). But at the same time i try to not be violent. (i think that intelligence is classist) I have to work on that. Being perceive as autistic is my big fear number one and at the same time i try to be proud. I associate a lot "being clever" and my autistic mind (autdah) because they told me that. But is not. Being clever is to be kind for me. I know that "autistic is not an insult" but oh god how sensitive about that i am. And at the same time i need to talk about it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my strenght is my weakness ahaha i'm just a little emo spirit in an adult body
═══════
Have to think about people who loves me, everything is ok. (no it's not, my little brother is with my abusive dad, he's only 4, what can i do. I talked to social person who said that it could be worse to do something. like we can't do anything except if the child say something or if we have evidence. it's just assumption and fear. Projection of something. My dad have already did prison for being abusive. i hate this system. i hate it. When we saw our little bro, he looked like a doll, a dissociate human and we are two who saw it that way . Big bro try to do what he can. Like discussion etc maybe we will be able to see our brother but there is not a lot of chance, and i don't know if i have the strength to fight my dad. My social situation doesn't help to be ligitimate face to the law. Bro said that we have to think about our security. I said we have to think about little bro security and seing him is dangerous for him. our father is rich. A rich white old man is the final boss for injustice and my brother is a black children with a real monster in his house. oh god how sad i am and full of fear. how can i stop crying or thinking about my cursus or art now. Life down here is about being selfish and i'm not. i'm not. )
tomorrow i will be a fighter again, need to rest, sleep. Venting that to the void was good. it clarified my thoughts
═══════
For me introspection is a real strat to avoid people to think about the world situation and focus them on themself. And it works very well on minorities who feel like they're taking back control on something. The more level of discimination you have on your shoulders, the more you're thinking for the others. Everything seems so heavy, doesn't it? Thinking about rego on my flip phone. Having a map of the city on me like a anti tech nerd
Did an anxiety kinda attack after almost fell asleep in the grass (it was magical, update:now i know that i had a derealisation), crossed my father with my little brother and after two friends of my mother. Now i'm safe home. Members of family friends are there. Lock myself in my room, everything is alright. I don't know my head is going to explosed, what i have to do? Painting maybe, painting is good

═══════
sunny parc feels like a faitytale, text Envy while i was writing to them, proud !

═══════
Saw my bro, he had a lot to say about all the family situation, i'm so so tired now

now i'm a plant i'm exhausted today but there is a big big sun, my room is a mess like never it was here, i can't walk because of the clothes ono. The day after t shot is horrible, feeling very not good, nervosity, hate my smell aaaa social media are horrible for me. Clean up, put all the clothes somewhere (?) and after i can leave. I hate how we are educate to hate ourself and at the same time the others that don't respond to your expectations. It's so vicious
═══════
As i can't sleep (eat too much with the others ono) i'm going to just travel on the internet (when i do that i'm really feeling like a teenager huhu)
https://shrimpfriedeggs.neocities.org/album/plants this paaaaaaaaaaage
https://shrimpfriedeggs.neocities.org/mystuff/crafts
https://yardonthirdstreet.neocities.org/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAH
https://22yk01.neocities.org/ this site is so inspiring, on the last note in her diary she said that she will not reback talking to the void
I found a new little job !!! hope is going to be alright

this week i need to dessiner pour le marché and do little keychains. i go too often on instagram lately verrrry too often
═══════
Femonationnaliste c'est comme les meufs de nemesis
═══════
Femtogo is a pedo r4pist, he was the only cis guy i was listened to. Byebye.
═══════
I'm going to be brave.
═══════

═══════

oh i want to do the balançoire with my friends nowww
Pokopia là !!
═══════
What i want to : update envy's blog and decorate it, update parts of my blogs and artist's blog. Add drawings, want them blue
═══════
Sometimes i think i say to myself that i failed just because i was not perfect on this situation. But i did well. Market went good, friendships are ok (i'm not the BEST but i try and some loves me and also try with me, i put too much pression on myself), at school is ok, miam also, militantism also. OK TIER LIFE. I don't have to make list of everything i think it brings me anxiety but also confort me, make me feel in control but is just a copying mechanism of a capitalist system of regulation. money is not good, cpas doesn't respond but my bro is helping me. So everythings fine. I don't know why am i so in tension everytime. Need a warm hug sometimes. Everything is going to be fine
═══════

═══════
i'm so sad right now i'm so so sad. tomorrow i go to the funerals of my dad's mother. I don't know how i have to react. I'm just sad. I care about our family story, all the injustice behind and how every things that happen impact my brother and i. i'm sad about death because we are like that in my country; death makes us cry. I don't even know if i'm really sad. But that's the feeling i have. I'm stressed. I talk to penpal lovely envy but i don't know how to explain. Feeling selfish and very very invisible at the time. I wrote that i don't know who i am. I don't know who i am in this family; we are not close, we are not friends but we have a commom history that allow each other to invite all the person with the same family name at a funeral of someone you didn't really love. It makes me freeze, it makes me want to vomit to think of them all. They called me "the freak, the addict, the lesbian". I dont't even know theirs names correctly. It will be in a church. She was very christian.
═══════
dentist killed me, lost my phone at the parc, freaking out and he was just laying in the grass as i should on a sunny day (i did with this awesome book "détail mineur" aaaaah love it), saw biiiiirds hanw and clean everything. I think i love more and more cleaning huhuhu
═══════
someone said that i was so cute and was like what the fuck, sun active compliments to each others i think
i freezed because i wanted to say "you too" but i don't know if i could?? iano and i yesterday talked about how it's hard for queer people to be friendly without freeking out about the other thinking you're flirting. It's a biiiiiig deal that block a LOT of lesbian/queers and we are already so isolated. Friendship are sososososooo important. and an other person ask "NO IANO AND I ARE NOT A COUPLE ITS MAKE US VERY UNCONFORTABLE WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT US THAT WAY" arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg not everything is about romantic please i hate that all my family are like that, school, whatever please let us breath the confort of having close friends
don't romantise me, don't sexualise me, if i don't ask, i had enough
═══════
thinking about making my pro website nicer on phone with drawings evry wherrrrre (drawing everywherre is my principal quest) today dentist, tomorrow funerals oyo
═══════
i did some paint with airspray and brushes this evening and i remember how i liked doing that. check my previous post on instagram and found this with others drawings (i'm always so suprised by what i did, it's always a rediscoverd, i'm gaslighting myself so hard ahah or i just forget??? thanks archives to exist)

Howww??? When ?? who?? i can't figure out that i'm the same person.
For me, now, the public who see that, it's pretty good. I was very influenced by shichigoro it's obvious but there is some personnality who started to come i think, it tends to become my actual style. I'm so in a hurry to repaint, just to see what it will come. Something punk, something sweet, something where the technocratie is visible. I want to paint people in revolution, in fight, in love, in deep connection, in a choosen family, laughing, quiet, just happy to be surround by each others
═══════
every market i'm felling very stressed before aha i don't feel legitime at all on this one but it will be funny ! i try to be more present to reality so no more venting on the computer for the moment unless it happen a very big deal for sensitive little me huhu
═══════
it's midnight and i'm thinking about the fact that i'm addicted to speaking to this void.
═══════
i'm thinking about selling a lot of my mangas and books, because they take a lot of place at my mum's place and i see that she suffocates from that. it's hard to choose wich ones i will keep or sell
═══════
a punk who is addicted to vlogs hanw

I'm a sweet punk who have the privilege to have internet and who likes Cavetown ahaha love him so much i'm laughing at myself for being a fanboy
═══════
"punk" i'm a punk. It's make me weird to say. I'm a punk. i feel it when i talk to people. They saw me like that. Some like a freak, some like a joykiller, some like a good joke. Some loves me, some hates me, some understand, some don't and that ok. it's viceversa i'm just doing my little life where i just try to be sweet and not a bad person. Finding joy and playing around.
═══════
this day was so intense, as i planned. now i'm in my bed, belly hurts, i'm thinking about making a bouillote maybe? iano was by my side as always, i don't know why this amazing person likes me this much and consistent. (i think is because we understand a lot of the other queerness and life perspectives) they asked me if i want them to the funeral of my grandma if i plan to go. That one of the first thing he said when i said it to them.
Saw my brother, it was a long discussion. He's really good with people, conversations, words and "be good/perfect" idk how to say that. He will come with his fiancee and i'm coming with my chosen little adelphe. iano said "hanw, oui!" with a big smile. i'm blessed. i swear i'm blessed to have amazing friends. Someone (Morgane heartheart) said that we look very similar now them and i. Sometimes i think about the fact that we are too much together, but i think that i overthink. We can say our limits. I know that we listen to the other. To be heard is to be loved. We planned with Morgan our "ballade pirate" with Sid and Laia hihihihi
I also saw my mother. I love her very much but the fact that she continue to compare me to "neurotypical", as she said, people hurts me. Like "look how this person fonctions better than you and your friends who can't fit in the society". She love us i know but she had an idea of who i will become. And i don't match. That how i take this comment. She wanted a perfect girl like on previous photo when i was acting. Sorry mum. I tried i promise but i can't. She said that it was important that i go to the funeral.
Went to petit rien and take a bag, a belt with chains and a pretty box ! We saw a little band of young emos !! My heart melted ten times aha
My new shoes hurt hard my feet but i like them a lot!
ALSO i showed to people in class my website and they said "oh it's you this drawings i liked them so much" i'm like haaaaanw and aaaaaaaaah at the same time. I SHOWED MY WEBSITE (artistic one, not this one OFC) they can now navigate on it freely. Tomorrow is a big day again. ciao i'm already dead
═══════
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disco_Elysium
crossed all my blood family and went to erg after, feeling very alive. "kill joy feminist" is following me
═══════
expression "sur moi très fort" pour parler de l'autorité qu'on a à l'intérieur de nous
contre culture internet arte docu
https://www.editionsamsterdam.fr/theorie-du-gamer/ + manifeste hackeur
have to have a promeuteurice for the end of march, 5pages pour mai pour le mémoire à Nicolas l'état de l'art peut être graphique (spécifier un sujet clair)
https://twinery.org/ for doing simple visual novels
https://musique-journal.fr/audimat-en-ligne/#/book/149160:vibes-lore-core
═══════
i dont know what happen i think i resleep, wake up by eve (i love this alarm) et it's 11am. My bro send me tons of messages about my grandma death and send me a photo of us. (all the family with my cousins, i think i'm 11 on the photo, looking like a white normal catholic pretty blond girl and looking older, puberty hit me very early, and he's on his side looking like 13, teenager white rocky guy brown curly hair and glasses) this photo makes me very very very disphoric i don't know how it's been possible. But i remember. I remember how the others started to look at me. How they started to touch me, speak to me. How our father was with us. But we all smile. We are 10 on this photo. 10 perfect catholic little children with their grandma. And she's in the centrum, holding my shoulders. Like i'm the center of her world. She really liked me, i remember now. People said that we looked the same. How is it possible to be mooved by a photo like that. All this day is coming in my mind. All the sensation. I remember how all was acted. This family is a bunch of actors. How is it possible to do that to a child. I'm not her anymore but she's in my skin. She's me. I'm not a guy. I was not a guy. i don't like what happen. i'm crying. the sun is shining. i think about it's going to be good to be outside. I'm not the center of all of that i know i just vent a bit, speaking how we are. 4bused children. we already know. I remember how we speak to each other with my bro. Already a team against this world.
bro send a lot of emails to our dad's family, cherching answers, respond, humanity. (because our dad is a rock) and he said that he send a very hard mail to him with angryness. Thank to him. i don't know if i'm ready now for speaking about all of that. need to prepare myself for the day. rendez vous with bro at 12am and the day finish at 8pm
═══════
https://www.dukeupress.edu/complaint
i can't hiarchise my tasks correctly. shut up lou and go in reality.
We're not in a movie and i'm not a character to build
just writing one hour in the void ahaha
i wish i had the level of english to just read my silly trying process and be charmed. I'm sure that it's not understandable if you're not french, my friend said to me that i just translate literally. (she's an english big brain)
═══════
new linh's video!! it's time for reromantisize our life (write a lot about that before sleep, maybe write big deal at midnight is not the best i can do for my brain)

My thoughts were about "where do you become mysoginist in your anti-romantisize journey?" because my feminine heritage is full of romance and put all of that in the side is looking a bit like gaslighting my fem friends, girly side of family and my inner woman. Maybe life is also about breaks up without yourself and as a queer "i will never forget myself" and secretly be in love all my life arrrrrrrg my romantic relation with ms is so intense huhu (that's part of the problem here because anti main character, explaining jokes on my proper blog huhu). See feminity without all the romance aspect is so an interesting pov
i think that we have to romantisize at least a little every part of the capitalism system for make it possible to live in it. anti-romantisize can also be seen as a privilege, because if you don't need to it means that you don't have to. and i can't imagine someone capable to endure what's all happening with all the connexions, ultra speed informations we have. Romance is also a sort of empathy. Something that protect you from being too aware. "You are too woke Lou, to deep, you can relax a bit" i have this remark at least once a week so it's normal for me to romantisize for being more lighter for others and myself (but i fear that it's exactly what the final destination is supposed to be "be lighter on deep problems and trying to sell the best part of yourself" but fighting is sometimes too intense oyo)
art is kinda a romantisizing tool
02/03 just woke up at 4am with no reason, i have a big day it's not the best ;; today is bro, memoire, pirates and mum
═══════
It was not on purpose but i kinda like the raw look of this page
═══════
want this septum, need to go to the shoppp

═══════
Spoke about what's in my mind for the moment with fwiend and the opposite of romantisize is cringe for them. I'm going to embrace my cringness
═══════

i like the fact that i write "i don't think i will speak a lot here" on the left and we only the first of the mounth https://feministkilljoys.com/about/
═══════
me when my mezzanine will be build
want to try
skylive2001 is my transition goal ahahaha
think a lot about redo my hair black again now
having "crushes" on people from the internet is a very very very romantizite aspect of my life ;;

In need to politicized intensely myself again.
The fact that i felt in love actived all this parts of me that i was fighting. Is not about the person, it's about me who doesn't have enough bravour to believe in my convictions of anarchic relations. "Felt in love" was not something i wanted, i wanted to experiment with this person something. Fall in love is to general, fall in love with them is specific. What is it ? is like i make them the main character, i romantisize them. The idea of people i love. And some are feeding that; cause the mental starvation of my friends. And i'm part of the problem because i mimic the "good savior"
Romanticization causes a feeling of emptiness, feed the white supremacy and beauty privilege
Hierachise the different cultures and put the european on top
Romantisize our lifes give us the impressions that we own a better life and some others not (because for this kind of perfomance you have to live by labor in an other part of the world)
Love is not being obsessed with the others. I can be chill. This part of me is a construction, i was raised like that and i've been push to think that is being in love, it destroy peaceful relationships.
i decide to not romantisize, i hate romance when it blur your vision, change who you are. I'm not in love, i'm obsess. Love makes me want to do the revolution. Love is what i'm fighting for, not what destroys us, put us in cage and makes us unspoken. love is not everywhere. my stress is viceral. i feel it in my back, in my brain, i can see it in my eyes. and maybe this anxiety is the accumulation of all this years of romanticizing violence. Love is to be heard, not to be silentified.

i'm a little sceptical about some things but i take notes. maybe i'm too old maybe it was for me before and now i don't want to romantisize because i don't need to anymore? i'm lost

taptataptp I'm so awkward in love, just need to pratice. Say my truth. friends love me, everything is ok, thank you to be there and healing me because alone i'm just a stressed baby. my back hurts
═══════
i now have my mezzanine but she dosnt want to go through the stares i'm feeling sad a little but did what we can thank to Yves,Sol, Scar and Tracy who helped me. And iano for always be there with kindness to me
═══════
i dreamed about envy's funeral. And cried 2 days. Call them because need to know if they're alive. need to chill out about my friends, if they need me, they will say it to me directly. Don't need to find clues or idk. My grandma (dad's side) is dead, he texted us (bro and i) about it, just like that "your grandma is dead this morning". I was thinking a lot about death this week, it's exhausting. The coincidence is troubling
═══════

gay post is not for me and i felt wrong all the way

I don't know if i'm gonna redo be the gay when i already know it will be c0ps because i think i react in a wrong way easily and it can be dangerous for the others. When we say "lesbienne" is just people, when we say "gay" there is the c0ps. But it's good 'cause i face sociabilisme today, it's good. It's good Lou i feel so not good at it. I felt so wrong all the way. I wanted to cry because i felt my friend angry. I almost do a crisis in front of them. i'm just tired. I feel like a little baby ;; too sensitive
just rediscover the "traumacore" and i think i do a lot of links through trauma and "causalité directe ou indirecte" maybe is a prison. For me is so logical. i love to ask "why" and when you ask "why" to a person about how they act is often because of a trauma or a social response. In my head is always "traumacore". Ouille. Child of a brilliant psychologist. But i hate Freud and Lacan. They caused too much trauma precisely. I understand antipsy and i'm antipsy but that's how i have been raised all my life, the deconstruction is hard but i will. I need to sleep but i want to write all night long. (i will not i need to rest) (i need to study too) my head is brrrrrrrrr